Thanks for all of the Pharacist jokes everyone sent. Here is a list for all
of you to enjoy.
Carl
ben…@cae.wisc.edu
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh,
no! I think I’m an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I’m positive!"
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It was a snowy day in my home town last Sunday, and the streets had all
frozen over. We happened to be burying Hal Lindstrom who drove our town snow
plow in the winter time.
So as Hal was being carried out of the Funeral home, the fellows carrying
his coffin slipped and fell on the ice. The coffin hit the ground just
right and took off down the hill and across Main street.
Well, Hal’s coffin crashed through the plate glass window of the Bill Smith’s
Drug Store. It hit that window hard and flew right on down the Toilettries
aisle, then slammed up against the prescription counter. Well the force of
that impact forced open the casket and Hal jumped right up on the counter
and said "Hey Bill, have you got any thing to stop this coffin?"
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There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his
medicine and died of an overdose.
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The only other funny story I know comes from my father-in-law
who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the
capsules she’d been given weren’t working. "Oh", he said, "You’ve
been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the
green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week
later to let him know that her medication was working fine now.
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Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled in Arkansas this
year. Seems the witch left and took the turkey with her.
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Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to presid…@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-presid…@whitehouse.gov. However, most people
don’t realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed to
r…@whitehouse.gov.
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A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help….
Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I’m positive
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A young man, about 16 years old, goes into a pharmacy and approaches
the counter. The pharmacist says, "May I help you?"
"Umm, er, yes…" says the teenager, clearly fidgeting. "I’d
like… some condoms. please."
"Condoms?" The pharmacist raises one eyebrow. "Aren’t you a little
young for that?"
"Well, er, it’s like this. My girlfriend and I have been going
together for a while, and we’ve decided to, you know, do it. It’s our
first time, and we don’t want there to be any accidents."
The pharmacist relents, and sells him the condoms.
Later that night, the teenager shows up at his girlfriend’s house.
She answers the doorbell, and says, "Gee, Jerry, you’re early. We’re
just finishing dinner. Why don’t you come in and meet my parents?"
She brings him in to the dining room, introduces him to her family,
and they both sit down at the table.
She notices that he is sitting with his hands folded and his head
bowed, praying. She leans over and whispers, "Jerry, what are you
doing, saying grace? You never told me you were religious."
Without raising his head, he whispers back, "You never told me your
Dad was a pharmacist."
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Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
To get to the same side.
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What’s red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
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Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The
first idiot said to his companion, "I’ll bet you $5 that No. 2 will
win the race." The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won.
After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make
– I saw the movie yesterday."
The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn’t think he would win
twice in a row."
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How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date.
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A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer
bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of
deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years
in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When
the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn’t pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit
him!"
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What are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?
Becuase if they were small, white and smooth they would be asprins!
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A: Siss, Boom, Baa.
Q: Describe the sound of an exploding sheep.
(Johnny and Ed were crying after this one and so was I… I still do.
…one of the best things I’ve ever seen on The Tonight Show.)
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A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the Pharmacist,
"Gimme a chap stick."
The Pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
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Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wis., trial in March
because a 6-inch clamp was left inside his body after a lung operation.
Erickson said he had not planned to sue, but then Lutheran Hospital sent
him a bill for the subsequent operation, which was soley to remove the clamp.
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A priest died and went to heaven. When he got to the gate, he found
a N.Y. city taxi cab driver in front of him.
"My son, what did you do on earth?", St. Peter asked the cab driver.
"I was a cab driver in New York City", he replied.
"Then welcome to your reward", said St. Peter.
The gate swung wide to reveal a lavish mansion with deluxe swimming
pool, clear blue skies, choice food, and lots of babes and dudes having
a blast. The cab driver let out a whoop and sprung in rejoicing!
"Well! My reward will really be something to behold", the priest
thought to himself.
So he walked up to St. Peter, who asked what he’d done on earth.
"Well your Emminence, I was a priest — and my sermons were so good
that no one ever fell asleep!", he replied.
"Then welcome to your reward", said St. Peter.
The gate swung open to reveal a dull grey cottage underneath overcast
skies. The cottage was in need of a new coat of paint and the bushes
were overgrown and sorely in need of pruning. And there was no one to
be seen!
"Hey, how come the cab driver got such great digs and I get this dump
instead?", the flabbergasted priest asked.
"Well, my son, no one ever fell asleep during your sermons, that’s true.
But when they got into that cab driver’s taxi, wow, did they pray!",
said the saint.
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(a) Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of
vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police
inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine
and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
(b) Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for
robbery of a Howard Johnson’s motel. She was armed with only an
electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
(c) The Ann Abort News crime column reported that a man walked into
a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he
couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man
ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
And it gets better:
(d) David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after
allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest
four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES,
weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his
getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
(e) The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man
suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have
done it *because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time.*
Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
(f) Drug-possession defendant Christopher so-and-so, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant.
The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a
"bulge" in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense,
said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that
day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The
judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so
hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
(g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it.
"I’ve ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had
it happen."
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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull
A: A Bull-dozer.
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There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake
struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing.
The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull "Why didn’t you
fall down like the rest of the herd.
The bull replied "We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down."
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Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, D.C. One day
they are walking together past the White House when they hear a voice,
which sounds like that of an elderly man, crying out, "Help, Help."
Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence,
and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Ronald Reagan,
drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull
him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving
his life.
After a few minutes, Reagan says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved
my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as
long as it is within my power as President!"
The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always
wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?"
"You bet!" said the President, "I’ll sign the papers this afternoon!"
Then the second fellow said, "I’ve always wanted to go to Annapolis.
Can you get me in?"
"You bet I can," said the President. "I’ll sign the papers for it this
afternoon, too."
After a few moments more, the third fellow said, "I’d like to know,
can you get me buried in Arlington National Cemetery?"
Reagan, a bit startled, thought for a second or two, then said, "Sure,
but tell me, aren’t you awfully young to be thinking about such things?"
"Nope," replied the remaining fellow. "Because when I get home and
tell my old man what I did today, he’s going to kill me!"
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The newly appointed priest wat being briefed by the housekeeper on problems
in the rectory that required immediate attention.
"Your roof needs repair, Father" she said. "Your water pressure is
bad and your furnace is not working."
"Now Mrs. Kelly," hte priest allowed, "you’ve been here for five
years and I only a few days. Why not say OUR roof and OUR furnace?"
Several weeks later, when the paster was meeting with the bishop and
several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset.
"Father, Father" she blurted, "There’s a mouse in our room and it’s
under our bed!!!!!!"
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How about the pill counter who married the bean counter and they
produced a CPA son who could work only one hour before or two to
three hours after meals.